New Year

Hi Dad

So we've entered 2013 and for the most part it's been quiet. Quiet is good.

Bradley had a Tae Kwon Do tournament today. He did really well. He got a medal in all of his events. You would have been so proud of him. I know you were finally able to see it.

His birthday is coming up in 2 weeks. I can't believe he's going to be 6 already. Where has the time gone? Wasn't it just yesterday I was bringing him home? We are still trying to figure out the logistics of his party. Because you know he has to have a friends party this year. He's so excited for that.

So Gary interviewed twice with Remington Steele. They may want to fly him out next week for a face to face interview. So if you could use some of magic to make this happen. I think it would be good for all of us to get a fresh start to a place that doesn't hold so many memories. Nice thing would thing is that it's closer to Bonnie.

I think I may start seeing someone to talk about all the things I'm feeling. My emotions are still all over the place. It's not fair to Gary or Bradley to be the brunt of my anger and sadness.

I love you!

Gwen

Christmas

Hi Dad

Yesterday was Christmas. Bradley had such a great time opening presents. He was a little disappointed that Santa didn't bring him the I-Pad he wanted but I told him Santa ran out of them gave him the laptop instead. He seemed happy with that answer. George spent the day with mom. Gary's kids came over and spent the afternoon with us. I tried dad.. honestly I did but I couldn't make myself get out of my funk of missing you. I know it's part of the process but it still sucks. Luckily for me the older kids understood and Bradley just thought I was napping. So today is a new day and I'll just keep trying.

So I have to return a few Christmas things. God I hate the thought of going out in that craziness. It'll be worse than Christmas shopping. Then we'll come home and Bradley will drive us batty wanting to play play play. This boy is going a mile a minute. Your "boy" made me coffee this morning. You would have been so proud because this could have walked by itself. I drank it while he beamed with pride. I get it now.. you do things for your kids you wouldn't do another person. I love him.

I love you dad

Gwen

Sadness Overload

Hi Dad

With so much that's happened over the last few days.. It's brought up the memories of you. As you know.. Someone opened fire on small children and teachers in a school. So many young lives lost that day. There was nothing to do but cry and thank God that it wasn't Bradley. My heart is just broken for all of those families. It's hard to explain to him why this won't happen at his school and why he's safe there..even if I don't believe it.

I had a dream of you the other night. I dreamt we were standing in front of your house talking. It brought me some comfort but it wasn't long enough. I wish I would dream of you more often. Make that happen will ya.

Today is our Christmas program at church. Bradley is going to be a sheep and is super excited. They are going to sing songs. I think Bradley just wants to be up on the alter so the whole congregation can see him. He's such a ham.

Today would have been the day we talked in length why my Packers were going to beat your Bears. These were the games that I loved the most. I know you will be trying to sway the score in Heaven, but don't think for a minute I'm not on to that game.

I love you!

Gwen

Just another day

Hi Dad

I miss our daily chats.. I miss the advice you use to give.. I miss knowing that you were only a phone call away.. I know that if I try hard enough to solve a problem, you will come to me with the answers.. I just miss you.

As we approach Christmas things stay the same but are vastly different this year. This year it takes all I have not to cry in the stores when I see the things I want to buy for you. This year I have to put on the happy face for Bradley and make this about him and not about the overwhelming sadness I'm feeling.

I'm sorry to say that I have maybe watched 3 Duke games since the season's has started. It's just too hard to to know that I won't be discussing it with you the next day. It's like everything we use to discuss just hurts to much to do.

I have found that I'm more short tempered than I use to be... I know.. Hard to believe but true. I know it's not anyone's fault but I'm just so angry that you are gone. No one, unless they've been there, understand the sadness I'm feeling. I know you would tell me to let it go, mourn and move on, but I just can't seem to get my heart to follow that advice. One day.. Maybe..

I love you

Gwen

Dear Dad

It's been a month since you've died but it feels like a lifetime ago. I miss you so much it hurts. The only thing that seems to keep me going is Bradley. I keep hearing you in the back of my mind telling me "The boy needs you to do this or that. He's what is important." While I know this is true I just want to curl up in a ball and not do anything. But on I will go because it's what I have to do. I have a great group of people who have been so supportive. Without them I don't think I could have made it through some of this craziness.

Bradley misses you like crazy. He will get sad or quiet and ask me why you died. I tell him that God must have needed you more than we did. I told him he can talk to you anytime he wants and you'll hear him.

So... We went to Springfield over Thanksgiving. It was a nice time. Got to see everyone and Bradley got to spend time with his cousins. He had a great time playing with all the kids. We went and seen Mom and Aunt Carol. Bradley always has a great time out there. There are lots of places for a little boy to explore out there. Of course he had to show everyone his Tae Kwon Do moves.

Sorry I missed most of the Notre Dame game last night. I was just so tired from the whirlwind trip. I read this morning about their win. On to the BCS Championship now. Now we just need Alabama to win. That happens and you get to see ND and Alabama just the way you and Jai discussed it.

I just don't know Dad.. There is so much I still needed to tell you but I guess by writing this blog (something you would have never understood since you "didn't speak computer") I can get it out and tell you.

I love you and hopefully as the days go on the pain will lessen.

Love you!!

Gwen